Several coaches have commented that they are realizing how uncomfortable they are with silent pauses during conversations, how they notice themselves rushing to fill them. I suspect they are not the only ones. Wonder why so many of us are so uncomfortable with silence?
Here is what Arthur L. Costa and Robert J. Garmston have to say about silence in Cognitive Coaching: A Foundation for Renaissance Schools:
Silence is an indicator of a productive conference. If the coach waits after asking a question, or after the partner gives an answer, the silence (1) communicates respect for the other's reflection and processing time, and (2) results in a positive effect on higher level cognitive processing.
When the coach waits after the other person gives an answer, it causes the continuation of thinking about the task or question. Furthermore, when a coach waits after the partner asks a question or gives an answer, it models the same thoughtfulness, reflectiveness, and restraint of impulsivity that are desirable behaviors for others to use.
So, silence is one way to respond to one another in conversation, to make a space for our better ideas and responses to have time to show up. It is one way we show one another know that we value time to think and reflect. What might happen if you challenged yourself to make a place for silence in your coaching conversations?
What a delightful invitation. Bravo for Christy's blog launch! As a novice blogger, I am giving myself permission to make this truly conversational--not worry too much about "composition" but just "blog" in.
ReplyDeleteTrue silence has always intrigued me as a way to still all the chatter in our heads (and sometimes in our actions) so we can actually listen more deeply to what we know and, therefore, act more intentionally. That said, silence takes practice. I actually practice a day of silence once a year and it is amazing how restful and restorative it is but also, how much noise goes on inside my head when the outer voice is quiet.
In terms of coaching and teaching, I know that I can't really learn anything about the person I am trying to support if I don't listen--and deeply listen without voices in my own head that are quick to jump to answers, or personal "autobiographical" connections or judgments. I am, therefore, currently practicing "listening" in all conversations. I appreciate the work within Cognitive Coaching that provides tools to help us listen more intentionally. The work of Parker Palmer has inspired me in the area of silence and what it can open within us and between members of a community.Parker always invites us to include "silence" as a member of any community of trust. I'll include two quotes from Parker Palmer from his book,The Courage to Teach.
"Good teaching cannot be reduced to technique; good teaching comes from the identity and integrity of the teacher."
-Parker J. Palmer, The Courage to Teach
"Our inner world has a reality and a power that can keep us from being victims of circumstance and compel us to take responsibility for our own lives."
Whenever silence arises so does my anxiety level I think. I agree with Janet that it takes a whole lot of practice. Not only will silence breed intentional actions, but it [silence] in and of itself is an intentional act. It's almost like my fear of swimming in the ocean--its "vastness" truly overwhelms me. In much the same way silence takes my feet from under me and the control I would have on "dry land" (during the customary conversation dance) escapes me. A "comforting silence" at this point is sort of an oxymoron for me. But I will keep working on it because I know that it will make me a better coach.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it would be a good idea to use a little background music to ease anxiety with silence. Similar to how restaurants and public spaces use music, use it in your meetings to soften the stark contrast of conversation and quiet contemplation.
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